Kid Tested, Father Unglued

One of the perks of being a new dad is that you get the "pleasure" of having to purchase toys, videos, etc. in order to get a brief moment to do something productive around the house (e.g. pick up said toys and videos up off the floor, eat something undisturbed, take a dump...). Of particular interest to me is the Baby Einstein phenomenon. For those of you that don't have kids (or have never babysat in your life), Baby Einstein makes all kinds of crap for small kids to keep them occupied, and at the same time, is purported to make them smarter by "teaching" them about water or farm animals. Getting to the point...

I've got four Baby Einstein dvd's for my daughter to watch. Each one is set to classical music (albeit a highly bastardized synth version that grates on my nerves since I enjoy the real versions), but it's essentially a 25 minute catalog of their toys and crazy-ass hand puppets shown in a series of quick-cut music videos. To be fair, they do a decent job of keeping my child entertained, but so does the Home Shopping Network. Oddly enough, it seems that a nine-month old could care less about the context of what's on the screen, only that it's flashy and high-contrast.

Several months later, after getting burnt out with playing the dvd's over and over, I thought I'd experiment a little with alternate forms of "kiddie" entertainment. So I had her watch some light-hearted anime. Turns out, she laughed more during the anime than she did from the Baby Einstein stuff even though she had no idea what the hell she was watching. I propose that Baby Einstein expand its horizons - since newborns don't really care what's on the screen - and try branching out into other untapped mediums for Baby Einstein dvd's that parents can enjoy with their kids. For starters:

• Baby Bowie - A musical montage of everyone's favorite former androgyne.
• Baby Wes Craven - Instant lullaby! "One, two, Freddy's coming for you!"
  
• Baby Hentai - They're already used to seeing boobs...tentacles probably aren't appropriate though.
• Baby David Lynch - Now the parents won't understand what the hell is going on either!
  
• Baby Buttrock - All the baby hair metal you can handle! Performed on a shitty-ass keytar!
• Baby Muppets - oh shit, that's already been done.

Just look at the potential of this stuff! Get crackin', Baby Einstein!