Star Wars: Revenge of the Theater Nachos

Saw SW:ROTS this afternoon. I'm not sure exactly what to think. It may require a second viewing before I can determine how I feel about it. I can say with some certainty that the action was better than Ep 1's and the acting was better than Ep 2's. Sith was hard to watch because it's one of those movies that we ALL know how it's going to end (e.g. Titanic), but at the same time, it's painful to watch the events unfold and not be able to do anything about it. Anyways, getting to the point. Without spoiling the movie for those who haven't seen it (OMG ANKAIN IS TEH VADAR!!1one), I think I've figured out what's been bothering me about all of the prequels.

• In the original trilogy, we're shown that Darth Vader is the second-most, if not the most badass individual in the galaxy. A brilliant warrior, tactician, and all-around sumbitch. Efficient in his ways, he uses any and all methods to dispose of his enemies, and he does so quickly and ruthlessly. He's the guy you love to hate because his actions and presence demand it. The new trilogy, however, establishes Anakin Skywalker as a hot-headed, whiny, naïve wunderkind who's been told from day one that he's 'the chosen one'. I don't know whether to fault Lucas's writing or Jake Lloyd/Hayden Christensen's acting "abilities", but Anakin's absolute lack of charisma and non-existent likeability as a character completely undermines any chance we have as an audience to establish any rapport or kinship with him. By the time Anakin's turn to the Dark Side finally happens, nobody cares because his personality hasn't changed an iota since we first saw him as that talented little boy with the high midichlorian count in The Phantom Menace. I can't figure out for the life of me why Padme hooked up with such a pissant in the first place!
  We eventually find out what drives him to follow the dark path, but who can tell when his journey actually becomes irreversible since he's still the same dork he's always been. The moment of Anakin's Faustian bargain with Palpatine is so sudden, it's laughable. The proverbial "light-switch" flick from good to evil. Immediately afterwards, Anakin goes off to do unspeakable horrors as if he'd been doing it all his life, Jedi training be damned. Yeah it was foreshadowed by his slaughter of the Sand People in Clones, but c'mon. He hasn't changed one bit since then? Seriously?? And don't give me that crap about Palpatine using mind tricks to subvert him. Jedi training should shield Anakin from Palpatine's sleight of mind stuff, especially if he's as powerful as we are led to believe.
  A likeable Anakin would have made the turn so much more poignant, but alas, Lucas decided to make him the stereotypical brainless jock with a million-dollar arm and the 10-cent head - talented as all hell, but without a shred of common sense or character depth. The most powerful Force-user in the galaxy has been reduced to Ryan Leaf, and it sucks. Oh well, not everyone can be Han Solo.
  

• The underlying political ideology behind Lucas' portrayal of good and evil. The Jedi, as long as we've known them (at least until the new trilogy), have been understanding, kind, and keepers of truth and wisdom (read: liberals). The Sith have been malevolent, greedy, and have raging hard-ons for power (read: conservatives). It may have been portrayed more subtly in the previous two films of the prequels, but in ROTS Lucas telegraphs his political leanings like he's the Michael Moore of Sci-Fi. Hmm...the Old Republic Jedi are a group of do-gooders who have the audacity to take on a sneaky, underhanded politician and get pwn3d in the process. Sounds like our last election, ne? Well, no shit. Some other particularly ham-handed sequences:
  
  * Obi-Wan: "Only a Sith thinks in absolutes." (In context, it's meant to be a zing to the neocon-esque Sith, but isn't that ironically an absolute statement in itself? Where's the Yuuzhan Vong when you need to lay down a reality-check bitchslap?)
  * Anakin 'Dubya' Skywalker: "If you're not with me, you're my enemy!" (Wow that sounds soooo familiar...)
  * The Emperor: "We shall change into the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society." followed by Amidala's "This is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause." Hmm...basically a variation of the Bush Administration's power grab through the Iraq War meme and the subsequent Patriot Act.
  *I'd say the Jedi Council was supposed to be the UN, but the Jedi actually do something other than sit around drinking champagne from the shoes of French hookers while ignoring the children being used as sex slaves and the genocide of black Muslims occurring under their watch. Maybe the Jedi are the idealized UN or something.
  
  Meh. I'm no Republican (especially with the direction they're headed right now), but those were painful to watch. A good filmmaker would have displayed his inclinations with a subtle touch, but no, Lucas wants to drive his point home with a sledgehammer because, you know, people are dumb and won't catch it unless you wink at the camera. It's his film so that's his perogative, and I'm sure plenty of people will eat it up with a lightsaber, but I'd prefer a little escapism with my cheesy space opera. If I wanted an allegory of today's political scene, I'd watch Team America or something.
  
  
• The prequel Jedi (save Obi-Wan) are the most bland, passionless, and emotionally-detached group of people I've ever seen. It's like a Tax Auditor convention. The Sith, on the other hand are ruled by love, passion, and a desire for stability and order (albeit in the worst ways possible). Now I don't know about you, but I'd prefer gettin' some sweet lovin' now and then to traveling constantly to god-knows-where to solve a dispute, then go sit in a room (with a hell of a nice view!) full of stuffed-shirts when it's all said and done. Do the Jedi ever party? I hated them almost as much as I hated the Sith just because they were so goddamn boring. I wonder if they need to have a supermajority vote to allow someone to go take a shit.
  

The weirdest thing is that the person with the most foresight in the movie is Palpatine. When he offhandedly mentions to Anakin that in order to become truly great, one must open themselves to all aspects of the Force, that was truly prescient. Of course, the purpose of that was just to lure Anakin to the Dark Side, but that's exactly what happens with Luke Skywalker. By the end of Jedi , Luke is a staunch believer in justice and goodness (Light attributes), but tempered with the unshakeable love and emotional bonds he has for his friends and family (Dark attributes) - the embodiment of Palpatine's suggestion. I'd like to think that was Lucas' intent from the beginning, but somehow I doubt it. Knowing him, he'll eventually change Luke into a prequel Jedi using his "Greedo shot first!" editing bullshit in his next set of Star Wars original trilogy re-re-re-revisions.

Sorry that was so long - I guess this movie was good after all since it prompted me to write all this crap. Even with all the cheese, obviousness, and mediocre acting, it was still worth watching at least once, particularly for the fanboy in all of us.